How are you?

I’d take a cue from what Sarah Browne said “No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this.”

I think some statements sound too conventional and are routinely used. I will dwell on one in particular: ‘How are you?’ On an official level, it sounds quite corporate. The intents are well achieved. The question is directed with the intention of not receiving too many personal details as possible, thus ‘i’m fine’ is good to say.

However, I noticed a trend over the years, people usually respond to this seemingly vague question ‘how are you’ in a bid to sound responsive or not to keep the question hanging or say ‘to encourage the questioner’. If we’re going to acknowledge the truth, a large number of times we respond with ‘i’m fine’, we truly are not fine. We only respond because culture obliges us to.

It’s even more interesting to know that when the conversation is on an online platform,or as a text too many people disguise to a readily default answer ‘i’m fine’, ‘i’m okay’ as the case may be. I know this sounds a little awkward, but I think we need to first of all re-examine or overhaul the use of that question. It’s usage is becoming rather non-helpful, barbaric, habitude, ridiculous, stringent, arid and monotonous. The expected response to the question does no less evil too.

I had a telephone conversation with a good friend of mine some days back. We exchanged pleasantries by obviously rendering the ‘how are you’ and ‘i’m fine’ rituals. The conversation could have easily gone from one cheeky smiles and to another. Then, it occurred to me that it’s been a while we spoke. My understanding was that no matter what, there would be a thing or more I definitely would love to catch up with.

So, I gave a little hint about what I’ve been struggling with lately, the kind of books i’ve read that has kept me going and obviously how the COVID-19 lockdown situation had been at my end. This helped give her a leverage to speak out. I must confess the things she spewed really got to me, it goes to show you how much people suffer in silence. I was on the call for more than 4hours. Crazy, right? I didn’t expect that too. The good news is that she got off feeling better.

My proposition really is that we can avoid that routine question. Or at the least not bringing it to each and every of our conversations with people. If you really want to know how I feel, I think you can, only when we get talking. Many communication in recent times has ended at the pleasant stop ‘i’m fine’, a solace for people to hide their feelings . Some individuals have been lost in the perceived positive psychology idea, that people should always be doing fine. That’s not true, infact the opposite it’s true.

I read this and it stucked, “Our job isn’t to always make other people feel better — sometimes it’s simply not to make them feel worse.” Michael Thompson. We owe it to people we converse with on a daily basis to go beyond the ‘rituals’ and touch down on the unsaid things that comes with ‘i’m fine’. Especially the ones that come with a fake smile. I’m fine sometimes leave people worse than they were, we don’t want to do that!

I would be kind to suggest some alternative suiting phrases, special thanks to Michael Thompson again:
“I was thinking about you.”, “You look good.”,“I’m curious about your experience with W.” ,“Can you tell me more about Z?”, “I’d love to get your opinion on Y.”, “Can I get your advice on Z?”,“Every time I’m with you I learn something new.”,“I love the way you see the world.”, “The last time we spoke you told me about X. How’s it going?”, “I followed your advice.”, “I miss you.”,“I really admire X about you.”, “I saw this and it reminded me of you.”, “I love your energy”. “Thank you for being a good person.” lThe list is inexhaustible.

You know, I believe we’d save a lot of lives, make people feel better and make the world a better place, if we connect to people beyond ‘how are you’. Thank You.

P.S. I recommend this for friends, loved ones, families and acquitances. Importantly, I also recommend that we don’t become bugs or pests, or deliberately intrude into people ‘s privacy. Let’s respect the secrets of others. Be sensitive.

Eminent Gold Cares

EGC ‘0420